Tuesday, June 11, 2013

If Home is Where the Heart is...

My parents are getting divorced. Before you get upset or try and think of what to say...please know it's been on its way for like two years (conservatively) and honestly at this point it's long overdue and I'm sick of most of the circumstances around this situation.

That being said, I'm still obviously not "okay" with it. I'm never going to be "okay" with the end of my family as I've known it my whole life. I'm not really alright with the fact that my mom and dad won't be in one location anymore, and holidays won't be shared all together, and getting them to attend events at the same time is going to be awkward as hell.

I've had a few good grump sessions over this whole situation and more than one or two cries, but today was the first time in a long time when I got really properly sad over it. Today was different because tomorrow there's a realtor coming to look at the house, apparently. There's knowing your future will be changed forever, and then there's knowing, and this was the day when I shifted from regular to italics. It's sort of this pit that I accidentally swallowed a long time ago, but today the pit finally started to get digested. I could feel the weight shifting from my throat to my stomach, sit there like an impossible knot and challenge me to untangle whatever it was that had slid its way down my digestive system.

Now, something else to keep in consideration is my Stella Bean. My tiny 19 month old cousin is battling stage four neuroblastoma but she's constantly happy and light-hearted. She throws up, then motions for another donut. Her life is so full and positive and wonderful--even on the very worst of days. Stella inspires me, and she reminds me that focusing on the negative is a conscious choice that we make as "adults". So often we give in to the temptation to just feel that weight settle in when really we are the ones who swallowed the pit to begin with. If we'd just spit it out, or maybe never picked up the cherry from which the pit came in the first place, then perhaps we wouldn't be up late with stomach pains.

So yeah, I'm really upset. My family is dissolving into smaller pieces, my home is not going to be mine for much longer, my safety net has a huge hole right in the middle of it and I'm this close to falling through like a brick off a cliff. But from another perspective, there's a good chance family gatherings will actually be pleasant from here forward. My parents have shots at individual happiness. And knowing there's no safety net to catch me if I fall simply means I can't fall--I've got to find places that will pay me for my writing and pay me what I'm actually worth.

Anyhow I'm exhausted. I'm going to turn over and fall asleep with Doctor Who on in the background, because this is one of those weird things that soothes me whenever I'm feeling particularly grumpy.



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